I M P O S T O R
In 99% of cases, I attribute any achievement, victory or success to luck or chance. No, I do not consider myself talentless, stupid or lazy. I work a lot, I study and I never get something for nothing. But every time I am praised or invited to work on large projects or recognised as a professional, etc. I feel like I didn’t deserve it, I feel that “now It's just a luck, but in fact I’m not competent and people are just wrong.”
I constantly feel an urgent need to prove to myself and others (who do not need it) that I am really worth something. This is an eternal struggle with an obstacle, which I build myself exactly in a second, as I destroyed the previous one. This is insanely exhausting. But there is also a positive side, which does not allow me to sit still, it promotes growth and development, although the basis of all this is extremely unhealthy.
I am not able to enjoy my achievements, successes and small victories. Joy lasts for some worthless minutes, and then turns into a huge lump of doubts, self-criticism and negativity. Although I objectively see that I have grown significantly as a professional thanks to my work and perseverance. But it is difficult for me to remain objective, and everything returns to circles with the name 'you are an imposter'.
For the last couple of years I have been upset that my audience is small, whining that few people see my works, on which I work so hard. Now there are much more people, the amount of attention and response has increased significantly. Good isn't it? Yes. But now I often have thoughts that I did not deserve it, that with every story or post I waste people's time.
I know that many people are faced with this. This is a terrible feeling, corroding from the inside, and I understand you like no one else.
